What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 08:13
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I want to touch my sister’s boobs. What do I say?
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
What are some cool confidence hacks?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
How do schizophrenia symptoms change throughout the day?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why do subpar women think that they are nines and tens?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What is so great about Jiraiya?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I write beautiful poetry .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I have no regrets .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Put me off passion for life!!
I don,t even have a pension.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So whats the point in blame.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Who then, do I blame.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
When she asked me how she looked .
I said to her
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
This is soul school!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What did i know ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I waited trembling.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Was to survive, this bastard.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But, we were locked up after school.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Especially a lifetime of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Comes on , in middle age.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was scared of men, in general
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
We all went to grammer schools
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !